Communication, Relationships & Paradigm Shift
Why it is essential to consider the importance of the way we communicate and some tips on how to improve it by our contributor Jose.
Why do we communicate?
Communication allows us to generate a connection with life. The act of communication itself manifests that we live in and through relationships with all what is. Understanding relationships with ourselves, others and the Earth as a continuous feedback loop where we are expressing the reality as we perceive it and receiving responses that continue to shape our worldview. This constant exchange of information is happening, in different forms, layers, and shapes.
With the rational glasses, we (our minds) communicate aiming to generate intellectual relationships with other human beings by sharing ideas, thoughts and information.
With the emotional glasses, we (our hearts) communicate to satisfy our deeper needs. There is a wide range of needs we can aim to satisfy through communication, but what is common to all of them is that it focuses on the construct of the social ego, generate connection, build our own identity, have a sense of belonging, be seen by others.
Another key reason to communicate is the capability it gives us to influence and be influenced by others. As animals, the capacity to communicate allows us to co-create reality and coordinate us to act together. In this way, communication can allow us to transcend our preconceived barriers generated by context and experiences and melt with other peoples contexts and experiences. Moving from subjective to the inter-subjective perception of reality.
How does communication happen?
It is commonly thought, that the main aspect of communication is verbal speaking. And this belief emerges as a mental expression of reality, when we are so lost in our own thoughts that we believe that the whole reality is what we are processing with our conscious mind. The fact is that our bodies and energies are constantly in communication with all what is around us through the senses, and that we are saying to each other much more than what our words can express.
Тhat is our perception through the mind. What could be the aspects of communication that are happening and we are still not even able to understand nowadays?
We need also to acknowledge that the same words might not mean the same for both speaker and listener. Actually, we are using words that encapsulate meaning, and this meaning is given by our different cultures, contexts, and experiences. It is important to be aware of this as it is also important to be aware of all the different stages that communication go through:
As Bernard Werber said:
“Between what I think, what I want to say, what I believe I say, what I say, what you want to hear, what you believe to hear, what you hear, what you want to understand, what you think you understand, what you understand… They are ten possibilities that we might have some problem communicating, but let’s try it anyway…”
So, with all this complexity, why should we even try to communicate?
Well, the idea is that behind communication there are hidden treasures in the shape of synergic relationships.
The easiest way to understand synergy is through the sentence:
“The whole is more than the sum of its parts”
Understanding that the relationships generated between the different parts is adding value and meaning to the whole. Just like the sound of an orchestra is more than the sum of the sounds of the different instruments. There is something that appears to us when all the instruments are played in harmony that we cannot encapsulate into words. But definitely the sounds emerge as one sound unified and not as decenes of independent sounds. So, all the different parts (each instrument’s sounds) are forming a whole (orchestra sound) and the relationship that is built in between them (harmonies) is a valuable part on its own.
How can we build synergic relationships?
To be able to build synergic relationships, we are required to show a spirit of adventure, discovering, creativity and inner security. Because true synergy only can emerge when we accept that we don’t have the control of what is going to happen or what would be the result. So we have to deeply trust the process and embrace the idea that will emerge will be greater than anything we could predict.
Continuing with the music example, we can think of the spirit we embody when we improvise. If you have experienced improvisation, you will probably recognise the place of not knowing, the feeling of ambiguity and uncertainty that is all around the experience. But once you jump in the void without a rope, subordinating all that you know to all what can emerge, only then you will discover all the gifts and new possibilities that this experience of improvisation brings into your life.
However all this is very important, the first thing we have to do to be able to build constructive relations with others is to be constructive about the relationship with ourselves.
“We cannot produce good fruits (outer relations) if we don’t have healthy roots (inner relation)”.
Or in the musical example: If the sound of our instrument is not in tune or if we are not playing appropriately, any relationship that can be build will not be in harmony.
Here you can explore this 7 days self-NVC challenge to improve your communication with yourself and explore NVC philosophy.
What are the competencies needed to develop synergic relationships?
The key element to build healthy relationships is not what we say or do, it is what we ARE.
Integrity understood as the congruence between what we say, what we feel and what we do, will be an essential competence in terms of the relationship with oneself.
In relation to others, the two base competencies are trust and the ability to cooperate.
To tackle this question we have to think back in terms of communication. So better phrased the question would be, how can we have a communication that fosters the emergence of synergic relationships?
It is interesting to appreciate that communication is a two-sided game. Even though it is not always well recognised, communication is a flow between giving and receiving, between attraction and repulsion, stimulus and response. So, speaking and listening both have the same relevance when it comes to communication.
Listening is key to generate profound and trustful relationships. We could more deeply understand and comprehend others by listening as a way to acknowledge the other, as it is, without conditions. Going beyond the words and finding the truth from where all of us speak behind the form. Connecting with the profound immutable being of the other person. Understanding the needs that are behind the sounds, the actions and even the non-actions.
We can connect in this way by practising empathic listening. Placing ourselves in the “shoes” of the other person, acknowledging the common points that bind us together and embracing all the differences that emerge from previous experiences, current needs and future expectations. Empathic listening is the practice of listening with the ears as well as with the eyes and the heart.
Listening without judgment and without looking for answers or solutions for the others, just allowing the other person to be and express in your presence.
When we are in the role of speaker, we should speak from our truth that emanates from our heart. Nonviolent communication is a great framework and philosophy that can allow us to express ourselves in a more clear and heartful way aiming at creating true connection, empathy and deep understanding with others. (www.cnvc.org). NVC is focusing on 4 steps.
- State objective observations and facts.- Generate mutual understanding about the situation you are talking about
- Recognize the feelings that arise in you.- Express how this situation is having an impact on your emotions
- Discover the not satisfied needs that are underlying the emergence of that feeling.- NVC philosophy believes that all of us share the same needs. So expressing them is a place to find empathy and understanding.
- Formulate a request that includes this information to generate connection and empathy.- Invite instead of obliging the other person to support you on this satisfaction of your need.
Nonviolent communication is focusing also on the “I communication”. Talking from ourselves and taking responsibility from what we perceive, feel, need… It completely shifts the way we communicate with others. If we ensure that what we are communicating is our perspective around a thing and that we are recognising the responsibility we have about it. By doing that we are more easily avoiding the generation of defensive reactions in the listener and so fostering more open and collaborative communication.
So for example, instead of saying “Clean the f*#^* dishes!” we can say “When I see the pile of dishes in the sink (objective observation) I feel irritated (this observation has an impact on me and I own my emotions), I need to rest after my exhausting day (I express my need to generate connection). Would you be willing to clean the dishes? (I request and I am open to receive a “no”)”.
Would you like to challenge yourself to discover more about the nonviolent communication practices? Download our educational booklet about “Non-Violent Theatre” where the process is described in detail.
How can we deal with conflict?
It is important to recognise that communication doesn’t have to always be about agreeing, or arriving at a common point. Sometimes it is more about the exchange and acknowledging that each one of us has its own truth and subjective perception of reality is completely fine, as long as we respect each other. It is possible that the speaker is aiming at satisfying the need for connection and/or expression and in those times the role of the listener is to generate empathy. Listening reaches a profound and complete comprehension of the other person, intellectually and emotionally. This comprehension is “psychological air” that keeps us alive in a mental sense by satisfying our need to be seen as we truly are.
Other times, our interactions with others are aiming at co-creation and require coordination. In this specific case, it is possible that conflicts emerge. If we are able to embrace conflict and introduce it in our culture as something valuable and transformational, that by itself will allow us to find “the third path” more easily and to catalyse the emergence of synergic relationships. Especially if we are forming a team or a group of people that is willing to work together regularly, conflict is a needed step to arrive at performing together.
When we practice empathic communication and when we are able to embrace conflict, we can arrive at the place where communication is not a fight of you against me. It is rather a situation where we both place ourselves together on the same side and explore together the situation (conflict, problem, trauma) looking for the best way to move together in a win/win relationship. And that is a true collaboration.
We consider that we have created a cooperative relationship when the interaction generated beneficial results for all the parts involved.
How can we cultivate trustful relationships?
One of the best ways to cultivate trust in relationships is by acknowledging the others as they are. Without trying to change them, completely accepting what they are. Generating empathy to other experiences and manifestations of the being, that as well as our is complex and might be full of contradictions.
When we want to generate trustful relationships the language we have to speak is unconditional love. When we love without condition and without attachment we are allowing others to feel safe in their integrity and recognised in their identity. They are loved exactly for who they are. In this way, we give others the freedom to act and behave in the base of their inner beliefs. Inviting them to be true to themselves instead of pushing them to react to our conditions and limitations.
Willing to support others to be as they truly are, we aim to understand and comprehend their truth. The more profoundly we can understand others, the more we will appreciate them as they are and more respect we will have for them. To deeply comprehend is to touch the soul of another human being and walk together in a sacred space.
What can we do to facilitate the emergence of more cooperative and trustful relationships?
Cooperation is a philosophy rather than a technique. That philosophy requires a balance between my courage to win what I really want, my consideration for understanding what others really want and creativity to meet the “third path”.
Steven Covey names five dimensions to generate successful cooperative relationships in his book “7 habits of highly effective people”. name.
I will briefly take these concepts from the different dimensions:
- Character
There are 3 key aspects inside our character that would determine our ability to generate cooperative relationships:
-The integrity to do and keep promises.
-The maturity to find the equilibrium between courage and respect. And especially emotional maturity that it is “our capacity to express our own feelings and convictions combined with the respect for other people thoughts and feelings”
-The mentality of abundance, believe that in the world there is enough for everyone.
This mentality emerges from a profound sensation of inner value and security that comes after have developed a cooperative relationship with ourselves.
To have a mentality of abundance requires to de-construct our education on the scarcity mindset. That through constant comparison and competition with others make us believe that for me to win you have to lose (Zero Sum).
A character, rich on integrity, maturity and abundance mindset has an AUTHENTICITY that goes beyond any technique or lack of technique on human interactions.
2. Relationships
Building and maintaining trust inside our relationships allow us to have the credibility to communicate. Finding common understanding and commitment to work in favour of the third path.
Nourishing trust in relationships:
- Comprehend the individual
- Pay attention to the small things
- Keep commitments
- Be clear about expectations.
- Demonstrate personal integrity
- Apologise when needed.
3. Agreements
We can generate agreements of execution and agreements of association. The productive interaction around the agreements shifts from the vertical to the horizontal. From external supervision to self-supervision, from hierarchy to peer to peer and from a difference of rank to an association.
Clear agreements should be focussed around 5 different elements:
- Results rather than methods
- Guidelines rather than parameters
- Resources
- Evaluation methods
- Consequences
4. Systems
It is not realistic to believe that we can have a cooperative culture when we have competitive systems. If we talk about win/win and we reward win/lose then we will not reach cooperation.
“if you place good people in the wrong systems, the results will be bad”
We grow inside systems that constantly condition us, promoting relationships of competition and win/lose behaviours. Economical and education systems are examples of this.
For example, by constant comparison in between students on our academic systems. We generate tensions and conflict between students that compete to have higher marks so they can have access to grants, universities and other compensations.
If we could generate systems where the learners are establishing their own learning objectives and they define objectives as a group, we could facilitate the emergence of different relationships with the same learners. The different results come from changing the system to which they are exposed and not the learners themselves.
5. Process
You cannot reach win/win goals with win/lose means. We can identify win/win processes by:
- Comprehend the needs of the other.
- Identify key questions
- Determine which results would constitute an acceptable solution for all the parts.
- Identify new options to reach those results.
Win-Win-Win
When we have succeeded to generate win-win relationships in the social aspects, we should expand our aim and ideate solutions that are also focusing on the ecological sphere, caring for the well being of the Earth and including one more Win for Gaia. To include this perception in our paradigm we have to pay attention to the stories we tell.
Storytelling is a powerful ability we can use to be transformative in relation to our culture and perception of the world. This shift on the narratives is already happening in the scientific world, more than 40 years ago our biological understanding shift thanks to James Lovelock and Lynn Margulis that talked about ~The Gaia theory~. That recognizes the Earth as a living organism itself. Placing us, biological individuals, as cells of a larger organism The Earth. Also the discoverments on physics show that we live in relationships with everything and that rather than isolated beings we are rather systems that are constantly on interaction with each other ~Systems view of life~ (Capra). This means that we cannot continue understanding ourselves as separated from others or the Earth, rather we should understand that we are in and through relationships and that we are constantly affecting and being affected by all what is.
So, either by supporting ourselves in this scientific understanding or by directing experience through spirituality, we are shifting from the narrative of separation to the narrative of interbeing. This paradigm shift might be the more deeply change we can do to transform our perception of reality. Transitioning from the idea of separate beings competing for scarce resources to the idea of interdependent beings collaborating with abundant resources.
If some of us start to tell these new stories, story-weave, together we could generate a new understanding and perception of reality. That instead of using and exploiting each other and the Earth with an extractor and zero-sum mindset we would better care for the health of life itself, trusting that the health of the eco-social systems we inhabit is closely related with our own health.
What do we need for this deeper transformation?
Let me add an example and suggest my personal and subjective analysis. Let’s imagine just for one second that the whole human species it is a single person.
How would this person be?
I envision this person as a teenager, let’s call them Mel. Currently, Mel is a very confused teenager and the over exposition to stimulus as information or advertisements makes it really difficult for Mel to concentrate or to pay deep attention to one single thing. Mel feels overwhelmed by all that, what makes passivity and going with the flow (mainstream) the easier path to follow.
The attitude of Mel does not make Mel’s parents happy at all. Nevermind that their parents give everything for the well-being of Mel. Nevermind that the Mother has unconditional love and gives all what she has inside of her for Mel to rise. Nevermind that the Father is constantly giving energy for Mel to grow. Mel does not recognise any of those efforts nor with gratitude or love, instead, Mel is constantly demanding more and more even if the Mother and Father feel deeply exhausted.
When Mel looks in the mirror, often the reflex shows an image that Mel does not like, and arise a feeling of shame. Mel is living in constant comparison with what the media is showing and is recurrently asking: “Why am I so unlucky?” The feeling that no one around them can really comprehend what it is to be in Mel’s shoes, makes Mel very insecure, frustrated and disappointed. It is not rare that Mel presents self-destructive behaviours and even suicidal tendencies.
What does Mel need for a deep transformation?
*A very personal example and view by me. Each one of us could explore this question by themselves I will share here my vision.)
Well, Mel needs maturity, to move from being a teenager to being a youngster. We can understand this shift almost as unavoidable as the time passes in Mel’s life. And this transformation can be supported with activities that support their self-development and self-discovering and ecological and social contexts that encourage Mel’s growth and empowerment.
During the maturity process, Mel will go through a lot of the changes.
Probably Mel will start to acknowledge all what their parents are doing and will start to be more grateful by showing love and respect. Deepening the relation between Mel and their parents and generating bridges for understanding and empathy.
Mel will re-discover the love for oneself being able to transform their old bad habits and behaviour and will be more self-assured. Mel will also re-discover the love for others, moving the focus from the ego and learning to care and develop healthy relationships. And above all, Mel will re-discover the love for all life and gift that is to be alive. With all this transformation they will feel empowered, becoming much more active and autonomous, being able to take more responsibility.
Let’s get back to reality and the understanding that the whole society is not a single person. We can understand that as the individuals, the collective also evolves and grows. And the transformation of the collective is as natural as the transformation of the individual, moving through the different stages of life. What is important, is to understand that as a collective we now are living between two different stages/eras. The paradigm of reality as we know it is transmuting to a new state, and with it, most of the things that used to consider normal and common will be questioned.
What is the transmutation that we are living as a species?
From fear to love
From control to trust
From separateness to interbeing
From egocentrism to ecocentrism
From linear to circular
From greed to gift
From consumerism to care
From degeneration to regeneration
From monoculture to biodiversity
From quantity to quality
From individualism to oneness
From vertical to horizontal
From entropy to syntropy
From tribal to planetary
From dogma to catma
From religion to spirituality
From control to trust
From scarcity to abundance
From competition to cooperation
From dualism…
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This article is written by Jose Donado, a contributor, friend and artivist, part of our Nomadways family.
